irritation

i love all my friends. i really do, but right now i want to get away to a new city and meet entirely new people.


why, do you ask?


you're all irritating the hell out of me with:


1. several of you w/your inability to be wrong
2. your drama filled lives
3. how you don't have the time to chill anymore


i will now address arguments i know that would be made:
1. i know i do this, i am working on it
2. i can be dramatic, i know but at least after i vent i stop talking about it
3. i have so much free time, it just doesn't seem to coinside with yours


so basically all i can think is "fuck me, its time to leave."


maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder? i suppose i shall just put this to the test.

snow

walking outside at night during snowfall. 
sounds are muffled, 
that peculiar sound of compacting snow,
a cross between a squeek and a moan. 
streetlights reflecting a warm sulfurous glow. 
the glitter of the individual flakes. 
it's beautiful, untouched. 
it makes the grey/brown winter world wonderous to behold. 
the transient nature of snow, 
especially here in the high desert, 
reminds you how quickly things can change.


i've always been a snow baby. born in mn, there is nothing i love better then a heavy snowfall. especially since i live in an area where snow is scarce. i can get to snow if i drive a bit, but it's not often right outside my door. 


snow makes the dull, dreary, brown winter world into a thing of beauty. a field of untouched snow is one of my favorite things. there is such promise there. a literal blank slate. you are reminded of the dormant state of the world hidden under it's blanket of white. how when springtime comes, and the snow melts, green shoots will peak through the melting snow and the world will once again come to life. this season of slumber is my second favorite, only behind autumn with its colors. it's winter with it's lack of color (or all colors depending how you think of white) that holds such promise.


may your world be white!


let it snow! let it snow! let it snow!

mistakes

i seem to be making a lot of mistakes in relationships lately. not romantic relationships, my friendships and work ones. there is nothing worse then realizing you just made a HUGE mistake and there is no way for you to take it back or any real way to make up for it.


take yesterday for example. my good friend Red Robin Hood* had made dinner plans with me the night before and we were deciding where to get foods after i got home from work. a few hours before said plans she direct messages me via twitter to tell me that we can't do dinner at said time because her mom wanted her to do something with her. this is not the first time this has happened...more like the 6th in as many moths. it really gets under my skin because it always happens after she asks me to do something. now i have had to put off plans with my family and other friends because she and i had previously made plans. you do not blow of plans made previously with someone. lamest thing EVER.


how many times can i use previously? lol


so i tell her: you do realize you are doing something you hate that our other mutual "friend" (i'm not friends with this person anymore) does to her.


which does not go over well at all. there are tears and all sorts of depressed tweets. this sort of thing makes me want to stop following my actual friends on twitter. (people i don't know tend to be so much more entertaining)


and work today, gosh. i did something insanely stupid. i dressed down two of our security people be for being unprofessional and hanging around where they shouldn't have. yeah, they're both at least 4 years older then me (one's in his 40's or i'm still in middle school). no ones takes a 24 year old young woman, who looks younger then she is, seriously. basically i pissed them off because i was right. i was very firm and forceful, no one at my job has seen me be anything but nice and pleasant. it's shocking apparently. the younger of the two told me he didn't appreciate how i spoke to him and that I was the unprofessional one. i did do it in front of someone from a different department (i didn't realize he was still there).


so my last two days have been rather shitty. whoo.


i have learned a few valuable lessons. i need to keep my temper better at work (this is the first time it has happened in 9 years, so i'd so i was doing pretty good). and sometimes telling friends things does not go over well.


here's hoping that tomorrow is better. thank god for tabula rasa.


tomorrow is a blank slate, my day is yet to be written.


*pseudonym for privacy (it's an old inside joke actually)

nerves

it's just now hitting me that i am performing in a concert on tuesday, this tuesday. as in it's only 2 days away!!


it's been about two years since i performed in public and to be honest this makes me sad. i miss singing for an audience. this concert i'll be singing "santa baby." i know i'll never live up to eartha kitt's version of the song, she is the original every other person is compared to. i can only hope i am not found lacking.


i found an amazing dress to wear for the performance. it's black and gold with a halter neckline (one of the few styles that is perfect for me). the top is gold layered under black lace with beadwork and a few sequins, it plunges quite a bit so it's a little daring. this dress is alluring and sexy. i'll be able to wear it forever.....well as long as i stay in the shape i'm in! haha.


there's nothing like looking like a million bucks to help your confidence sky rocket. this performance should be a blast! apparently i am one of the only performers singing a fun song. this is rather like the concert where i sang "adelaid's lament" from guys and dolls.


what convinces people to sing songs that are dramatic (as in sad/angry) all the time is beyond me. i do know many of the classic pieces from the famous operas are this way, but really. you need to gain a following people. you need to entertain them first before you pull out the dramatic show pieces. unless you have the acting talent to go along with the singing voice you will bore people to tears.


good times, good times.


did i mention i am just a lil bit nervous?

projects

i've been toying with some ideas floating around in my head. i want to create  logo for something called "monday's child." right now it's nothing but a name that speaks to me.  there are a few t-shirt ideas that if they come to fruition are going to bear that name so i want a logo for it. these of course will be one of a kind items, it will be fun if people think they aren't though. so i'd love for them to be as professional as possible.

i'm going to use lyrics from some of my favorite bands. i have no doubt that they won't mind. though i should prolly check to make sure.

note to self: twitter bands and see if they are okay with my using it on my tee.

should be okay with it as long as i don't mass produce. what i have in mind is too much of a pain in the ass to do so! haha.

this will be my project tomorrow.

a dream

the other night i realized one of my dreams. i will live in jackson hole, wy at some point in the future. it is one of the most beautiful places i have ever been in my life. it as minutes away from the grand teton national park. the national forrest you drive through to get there took my breath away.


there is no way i will be able to afford to live there in the near future, so this is a dream for when i am more established and can earn a much higher salary. though i could most likely get a job there right now since i know a few people. but whether or not it would be a living wage for there would be the question.


the fact that i  realized i have this dream made me so happy. i thought i had put them all someplace hidden or forgotten. here's to hoping i realize more of my dreams so i have something to move forward too.


dreams, where would we be without them? living dull, colorless lives with no purpose.


life is....

i miss...

so there really are no good synonomous phrases for "i miss you" in a platonic sense. all the words i can find are along the lines of covet, desire, crave, brood, carry a torch, mourn, sigh.


yeah, i'm going to tell a good female friend "i covet you." she would laugh her ass off and it still wouldn't accurately portray what i am feeling.


why is it the english language does not have any good phrases or cliches that say "i haven't seen you in ages and i miss you" without you saying the tired phrase of "i miss you."


this should change.


also realized today that i seem to have a threshold for how long i jarringly miss someone. this seems to be around 3 weeks. i miss them a ton for that length of time and then it starts to fade. i miss them off and on for ever after that, but that yearn to spend time with them isn't constant or even what it was when they were around.  i wonder if everyone does that or if it's just me.


and my job gives my mind free reign to think of random crap like this.


i'm spending entirely too much time with myself. can i spend some time with you?

i don't get it

i posted the previous entry to facebook and a response i got made no sense to me at all.


a guy friend said:
The title of your blog (i titled it: I can't seem to sleep tonight) sounds exactly like an old Autumns chase song "Alone." I love the metaphor! ps. Dreams are never lost although sometimes they aren't as vivid as they once were!


uh-huh....what metaphor is he talking about? i am a literal person. i say what i mean, which is why i suck ass at poetry.


what the poem says where i can't remember my dreams, i mean i can't remember my dreams. i mean i don't remember ever wanting to do anything with my life, to be anything in particular, or be anywhere special. this makes me sad, as it did last year.


and yeah....when i sat and thought about it for a little while.....i figured out what he meant. i am a dumb ass...
"realization
life without meaning
a rock on a stream"


yep, a little slow on the uptake today.

dreams

i can't sleep tonight, which is why there are so many posts. there are all these thought swirling through my head. keeping me awake. i just need to get them out and maybe i can go to sleep.


i've been reading some things i wrote around this time last year. i've realized i am in a similar place, as a previous dream showed me, i am on a ferris wheel. reliving events forever working to be in a better place until i have learned what it is i need to have learned. an insight from my mother into said dream this morning.


"somewhere along the way i lost my dreams...i'd like to find my dreams again, if only for a little while. a life without dreams is no life at all"


"i've hidden away my dreams and forgotten where i put them. i can't think of the last time i let myself dream about what i want."


there's poetry in these musings of mine. i'm getting a little bit of it now.


somewhere
i lost my dreams
or put them away.


i've hidden them
threw away the key
or forgotten.


a realization
life without meaning
a rock in stream.


i'd like to find
my dreams again
if only for awhile.

my task

in my dream last night i was giving a couple three tasks that they would have to complete, a la fairy tale, to receive their "happily ever after." i gave them two rather silly tasks, i remember thinking, "name some obnoxious, fairy tale type tasks like separating barley, wheat and millet after earning the help of a fantastical creature." i said for the third, "your final task is to remove the doubt from your heart."  i knew if  if they were successful in completing the first two tasks the third would already have taken place. they would only have to realize this.

my dream self is smart it seems. i have only to wonder what the two tasks i am to undertake that will lead me to my "happily ever after." i don't believe i am at the doubt removal stage as i have wounds yet unhealed to my psyche and thorny defenses to keep people at bay.

"for your third task: remove the doubt from your heart."

i only hope i take notice and realize the gift i receive when this occurs.

thoughts

contact. i crave it. the touch of someone who cares about me. not sex. sex is great, the energy, excitement, electric. it's like only getting dessert when what you really want is somethign filling, substantial, a good foundation. sex is that final touch, the icing on the cake.


what i want right now, with all my heart, is someone who will take me as i am. to quote ingrid michaelson. who will hold me and make me feel cared for and safe. i really miss that. the just being with someone. profound conversations need not take place all the time. just being there with each other, sharing in the comfort of another heart beating, right there with you.


being in a relationship last year where i gave much of myself, realizing after the fact that i had loved, has only put me in a state of want. i want to be in a relationship, with the caveat that i only want it to be with someone i truly care about.


i don't give of my true self casually. my day to day self i will share with the world. i'm not one of those girls who has to be in a relationship, in an "us." i am my own person. i want my compliment, a partner, a play-fellow in my life. i don't believe i have found him yet. I'm still watching for him. i am creating myself right now. I'm sure he will make himself known.

an impasse on imposing

Dictionary.com defines the word impose as:
im⋅pose [im-pohz] verb, -posed, -pos⋅ing.–verb (used with object)

1. to lay on or set as something to be borne, endured, obeyed, fulfilled, paid, etc.: to impose taxes.
2. to put or set by or as if by authority: to impose one's personal preference on others.
3. to obtrude or thrust (oneself, one's company, etc.) upon others.

well, there are 5 other definitions beyond that, but with number 3 we have a winner

i always feel that i am imposing on people. i don't have the slightest idea where i got this from but it's a bugger to get rid of. i am so unbelievably shy when with a group of people i don't know or even just one person. in group situations i cling to the one person i know as if they'll save me from drowning or making a fool of myself.

talk about imposing?!

it's even worse when i happen to like that person. and when that person you like isn't the easiest to read... god, makes it even more difficult.

who'd want to be around someone who's afraid that they will be judged by others? i know it's just something in my head, unless of course my perception of people is really off. it's just so hard to get past your own personal demons of self doubt.

not knowing where i stand with new people is what makes things so difficult for me. are we friends? acquaintances? do we talk to each other only in social situations (aka bars, parties, etc.). the advent of facebook and other social networking sites really doesn't help me here. the lines are totally blurred.

i know one of the reasons i am unwilling to put myself out there is because i could get hurt. i know that's one of the main reasons everyone is afraid to put themselves out there. I just seem to invest myself too far to fast. you wouldn't be able to tell though, i'm not too easy to read myself.

i almost wish i was a cocky bitch and could brush things off. but i'm not. that's something i don't think i will ever be. there's this loving and caring person in me who just wants to love everybody and be loved in return. i know this really isn't likely, but i don't see this changing anywhere in the near future.

maybe that's why we have dogs. someone to love us even when we hate ourselves. without mine i would be lost.

why so tired?

i have been feeling quite rundown lately and i am at a loss as to why. it's not as if i have changed my sleeping habits. it may have somethign to do with the 10 hour days, which are really over 12. LAME.

my own fault for being hired to do a job with those hours. it shall work for now and awhile longer i suppose. though i think they staying up past 12:00 on days i work may be a bad idea....

it's raining/hailing here at my work today. it's cloudy and zen. there haven't been that many people here either. my fauxmager keeps telling me to get used to it, since i told her seattle is one of the places i am thinking of moving to. apprently they onyl have 60 days of sun...thats 300 days less then i have had for 15 years. i may have to rethink that city. i'm gonna keep my options open though.

there's a full on thunderstorm going on out there. it's raining like crazy, i really love this weather. it makes me wish i was home, curled up reading an amazing book with a cup of tea or hot chocolate. that is how you should spend a rainy evening. well, even better would be to curl up with a boyfriend/significant other and everythign else, one can't be picky though when your single. ah well. atleast my dog would sit with me! lol.


i can't wait to go home for my three day weekend. not like anything amazing is gonna happen, but i can hope can't i?

of migraines and moratoriums

i just happen to get a kick out of alliteration. i love all forms of literary devices actually, from portmanteaus to internal rhyming and onomatopoeia. words are just amazing to me. a simple sentence, depending on tone of voice and inflection can mean so many different things.

words are important to me because i love reading, talking and singing. without words i could not even be blogging right now. which is obvious of course, i just felt like pointing that out. the written and spoken words are such a large part of our lives that i think they are often taken for granted. the sheer volume of published works is tremendous, from the literary masterworks such as Jane Eyre, Atlas Shrugged, The Prince, to all the content published to the internet on a daily basis, that's a lot of words, sentences, thoughts, premises, and ideas.

words are the foundation of what makes us who we are. first words are a HUGE deal. mine was kitty. not mommy or dada.

kitty.

i wonder if that says something about me? i don't think we even owned a cat at the time, but i'd always wanted one. we did have one when i was a toddler and i got my own when i was 4.

as i meander about with my random brain... words. the cornerstone.,the foundation, a pillar, vital, pivotal, words. damn i love em.

a suppose the following is a poem. nothing else to call it i suppose. it means a lot to me.

Life is....

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
-Mother Theresa

ciao.

lyrics and my life

I don' wanna be your next best option
I don' wanna be your next best thing.
No i don' wanna be, I don' wanna, I don' wanna
See the bright side or the silver lining.
I just wan' to keep my heart beat, beating
Stumbling but on my own two feet.
I don't want to think,
I just want to drink
to surviving, the sun's still shining now.
"Here Comes Trouble"- The Pink Spiders

this song gets stuck in my head a lot. especially the first two lines. i really don't want to be the back up or second best. which just gets another songs lyrics going in my head as well.

what if nobody likes me?
what if i don't succeed?
what if i give it all that i've got?
and i still don't got what they need?
what i don't get anywhere at all?
will i consider myself a failure,will i be that small?

what if if he doesn't like me?
what if i'm not his type?
what if all the guys that ever like me
are not the kind of guys that I like?
what if i meet the right one and screw it up?
will i consider myself a failure, will i give up?

NO!
i'm gonna keep trying
getting denied just makes me want it more
i'll keep trying and each time push harder than before
i can't live my life always worried about what if'
cause what if I die tomorrow, then I never even lived?
"what if?" - the plain white tees

yeah, not all of it. but oh so true. it's kinda my unofficial anthem to be honest. it's also my "power song" on my nike+. cause it's true. if i went around thinking these things all the time, where would i be? worried all the time. there is a time and a place for introspection. which is not everyday whenever you have a free moment. life your life how you want to live it. people will either fit into your life or they won't. it sucks when the people you really like just aren't compatible with you.

it's hard to find that out. that and that many of your friends are now in a different place then you are and you don't feel like you have anything in common anymore. i think when you get to that point it is time to take a long, hard look at your life and see where you need to go from there. i am in the process of doing that myself.

I'll let you know how that goes.

changes

wow, holy shit. just got some very interesting news today. 4 of the main (manager/only person in their departments) people where i work are either leaving in Oct. or they have been let go. They even happen to be 3 of the people i have not gotten along with very well this year.

life is just crazy I guess.

i'm watching Gleek right now, and it's really making me miss singing. miss singing like no other. i need to get back into that. It's one of the few things that make me happy. it was one of the few things i got compliments from that i really cared about getting. it's been over a year, it's time i think. I have 3 days off right now, i think i can swing one day with a voice lesson. i just wish i could know now if i really was good enough, then again it's something i love, so who cares?!

since this is about what makes me happy, voice lessons will need to make a reappearance in my life. i shall be working on that this week. I need to figure out my finances so i can figure out how often i can swing a lesson.

Life is just throwing a few curves at me.

I'm ready for new experiences.

I'm ready for new surroundings.

it's time for me to get out of this town.

time to decide on a new city.

the choices abound!

gosh, long time.

so I start a blog and then i never write in it?

story of my life.

I'm gonna make this a daily thing. something to entertain me.

since it has been a month since i posted this, a lot has gone down. wait, that's a lie. some significant occurrences have had happened, not that many though.

i'd been keeping up on my running, 3 times a week as my C25K plan dictated. The 2.5 and 2.75 miles were hard when i hadn't been eating as well as i needed to. none of that quite matters since i sprained my ankle at work on sat. august 29. gosh, it was probably the single most painful injury that i can clearly remember. it's been a few days, the swelling has gone down significantly, it's just a disgusting blue-green all around my ankle. walking is kinda painful but i'm doing it. i just hope it's nothing major. i could go to the doctor but i just can't decide if i should.

since i can't run because of my ankle, i am going a little stir crazy. I have sat with my foot up for the last few days. i really need to get out and do something, no one is available and i just....gah.

i am over many aspects of my life right now. my friends do the same activities all the time. there's only the same places to go, same people to see. i need something new.

new people, new places, new activities, new job, new scenery, new attitude.

i know what sort of person i want to be, i just don't know what i want to do with my life. i know all sorts of jobs i don't want to do:

• no restaurants (if possible, i can if i must)
• no sales (i HATE quotas)
• no corporate jobs (i don't like corporate policies, again if i must and like it: i will)

what i like to do:

• work with people
• creativity
• deadlines
• read and dissemble
• be busy with real work

where i am just doesn't seem to have what i want. i'm always seeing the same people. i can't seem to meet new people. i suppose i should get outside of my comfort zone and go out on a limb, to be cliche about it. i've just lost all interest in new people here. pathetic, i know.

i suppose i thought making changes to myself would bring new people to me, that hasn't happened yet. most likely due to the fact that i really haven't changed any of my patterns. just added a few, it's kinda hard to meet new people when your running around your neighborhood with an iPod going. ah well.

i am going to move early next year. i just need to make a decision as to where. i'm sure i will keep an ongoing commentary on the plans here. right now it's between:

• Seattle
• Boulder
• Chicago
• and CA somewhere

how the hell am i going to afford living any of these places? that really is the question. i know i can get a job, any job i want, i get if i had an interview.

so this is what's going on in my life right now. I am in a state of flux that seems to be stagnant at the same time. dichotomous or oxymoronic? yes. I want the change, i just seem to be getting more of the same. I need to figure out what it is that is in my way and handle it. i want to move forward, i want change. hell, i want someone who cares about me for me. i'm ready world. i want to be a grownup.

it's time for an attitude adjustment.

it's time for me to to let go of my fears.

it's time for me live.

it's time for me to be me....all the time.

to quote katy perry, "i think i'm ready for it."

A beginning of sorts

I woke up this morning and the very first coherent thought in my head was "I need a new job." Not that this is the first time i have thought this by any means, just the first time it was the first thing i thought. Oops, convoluted much? So I begin my day looking on the internets for a new job. Do I find anything i could apply for that will pay my bills?

No.

I did however find a job that would be perfect for a friend. Which is a good thing for her. Ah, well. It's not vital i have a new job, just important for my happiness.

What made me decide to start a blog? A number of reasons.

• A guest suggested i start a blog about where i work and to update it every day. He also suggested i should read a book called Outliers, which a key idea is you need to spend over 10,000 hours (about 1,250 8 hour days) on something in order to have great success in a particular field or activity.
• I just got a Twitter account, and it does not allow me enough rambling space.
• I'd love a place for me to write about anything and everything i am doing to find my way back to myself.

And last but not least.

• I just read a friends blog and I enjoyed it.

So i suppose this is the beginning of many ramblings from me that will cover many things, such as:

1. running
2. my job
3. my friends
4. hiking
5. misc.

If anyone is reading this, I suppose I should say "Enjoy."