why so tired?

i have been feeling quite rundown lately and i am at a loss as to why. it's not as if i have changed my sleeping habits. it may have somethign to do with the 10 hour days, which are really over 12. LAME.

my own fault for being hired to do a job with those hours. it shall work for now and awhile longer i suppose. though i think they staying up past 12:00 on days i work may be a bad idea....

it's raining/hailing here at my work today. it's cloudy and zen. there haven't been that many people here either. my fauxmager keeps telling me to get used to it, since i told her seattle is one of the places i am thinking of moving to. apprently they onyl have 60 days of sun...thats 300 days less then i have had for 15 years. i may have to rethink that city. i'm gonna keep my options open though.

there's a full on thunderstorm going on out there. it's raining like crazy, i really love this weather. it makes me wish i was home, curled up reading an amazing book with a cup of tea or hot chocolate. that is how you should spend a rainy evening. well, even better would be to curl up with a boyfriend/significant other and everythign else, one can't be picky though when your single. ah well. atleast my dog would sit with me! lol.


i can't wait to go home for my three day weekend. not like anything amazing is gonna happen, but i can hope can't i?

of migraines and moratoriums

i just happen to get a kick out of alliteration. i love all forms of literary devices actually, from portmanteaus to internal rhyming and onomatopoeia. words are just amazing to me. a simple sentence, depending on tone of voice and inflection can mean so many different things.

words are important to me because i love reading, talking and singing. without words i could not even be blogging right now. which is obvious of course, i just felt like pointing that out. the written and spoken words are such a large part of our lives that i think they are often taken for granted. the sheer volume of published works is tremendous, from the literary masterworks such as Jane Eyre, Atlas Shrugged, The Prince, to all the content published to the internet on a daily basis, that's a lot of words, sentences, thoughts, premises, and ideas.

words are the foundation of what makes us who we are. first words are a HUGE deal. mine was kitty. not mommy or dada.

kitty.

i wonder if that says something about me? i don't think we even owned a cat at the time, but i'd always wanted one. we did have one when i was a toddler and i got my own when i was 4.

as i meander about with my random brain... words. the cornerstone.,the foundation, a pillar, vital, pivotal, words. damn i love em.

a suppose the following is a poem. nothing else to call it i suppose. it means a lot to me.

Life is....

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
-Mother Theresa

ciao.

lyrics and my life

I don' wanna be your next best option
I don' wanna be your next best thing.
No i don' wanna be, I don' wanna, I don' wanna
See the bright side or the silver lining.
I just wan' to keep my heart beat, beating
Stumbling but on my own two feet.
I don't want to think,
I just want to drink
to surviving, the sun's still shining now.
"Here Comes Trouble"- The Pink Spiders

this song gets stuck in my head a lot. especially the first two lines. i really don't want to be the back up or second best. which just gets another songs lyrics going in my head as well.

what if nobody likes me?
what if i don't succeed?
what if i give it all that i've got?
and i still don't got what they need?
what i don't get anywhere at all?
will i consider myself a failure,will i be that small?

what if if he doesn't like me?
what if i'm not his type?
what if all the guys that ever like me
are not the kind of guys that I like?
what if i meet the right one and screw it up?
will i consider myself a failure, will i give up?

NO!
i'm gonna keep trying
getting denied just makes me want it more
i'll keep trying and each time push harder than before
i can't live my life always worried about what if'
cause what if I die tomorrow, then I never even lived?
"what if?" - the plain white tees

yeah, not all of it. but oh so true. it's kinda my unofficial anthem to be honest. it's also my "power song" on my nike+. cause it's true. if i went around thinking these things all the time, where would i be? worried all the time. there is a time and a place for introspection. which is not everyday whenever you have a free moment. life your life how you want to live it. people will either fit into your life or they won't. it sucks when the people you really like just aren't compatible with you.

it's hard to find that out. that and that many of your friends are now in a different place then you are and you don't feel like you have anything in common anymore. i think when you get to that point it is time to take a long, hard look at your life and see where you need to go from there. i am in the process of doing that myself.

I'll let you know how that goes.

changes

wow, holy shit. just got some very interesting news today. 4 of the main (manager/only person in their departments) people where i work are either leaving in Oct. or they have been let go. They even happen to be 3 of the people i have not gotten along with very well this year.

life is just crazy I guess.

i'm watching Gleek right now, and it's really making me miss singing. miss singing like no other. i need to get back into that. It's one of the few things that make me happy. it was one of the few things i got compliments from that i really cared about getting. it's been over a year, it's time i think. I have 3 days off right now, i think i can swing one day with a voice lesson. i just wish i could know now if i really was good enough, then again it's something i love, so who cares?!

since this is about what makes me happy, voice lessons will need to make a reappearance in my life. i shall be working on that this week. I need to figure out my finances so i can figure out how often i can swing a lesson.

Life is just throwing a few curves at me.

I'm ready for new experiences.

I'm ready for new surroundings.

it's time for me to get out of this town.

time to decide on a new city.

the choices abound!

gosh, long time.

so I start a blog and then i never write in it?

story of my life.

I'm gonna make this a daily thing. something to entertain me.

since it has been a month since i posted this, a lot has gone down. wait, that's a lie. some significant occurrences have had happened, not that many though.

i'd been keeping up on my running, 3 times a week as my C25K plan dictated. The 2.5 and 2.75 miles were hard when i hadn't been eating as well as i needed to. none of that quite matters since i sprained my ankle at work on sat. august 29. gosh, it was probably the single most painful injury that i can clearly remember. it's been a few days, the swelling has gone down significantly, it's just a disgusting blue-green all around my ankle. walking is kinda painful but i'm doing it. i just hope it's nothing major. i could go to the doctor but i just can't decide if i should.

since i can't run because of my ankle, i am going a little stir crazy. I have sat with my foot up for the last few days. i really need to get out and do something, no one is available and i just....gah.

i am over many aspects of my life right now. my friends do the same activities all the time. there's only the same places to go, same people to see. i need something new.

new people, new places, new activities, new job, new scenery, new attitude.

i know what sort of person i want to be, i just don't know what i want to do with my life. i know all sorts of jobs i don't want to do:

• no restaurants (if possible, i can if i must)
• no sales (i HATE quotas)
• no corporate jobs (i don't like corporate policies, again if i must and like it: i will)

what i like to do:

• work with people
• creativity
• deadlines
• read and dissemble
• be busy with real work

where i am just doesn't seem to have what i want. i'm always seeing the same people. i can't seem to meet new people. i suppose i should get outside of my comfort zone and go out on a limb, to be cliche about it. i've just lost all interest in new people here. pathetic, i know.

i suppose i thought making changes to myself would bring new people to me, that hasn't happened yet. most likely due to the fact that i really haven't changed any of my patterns. just added a few, it's kinda hard to meet new people when your running around your neighborhood with an iPod going. ah well.

i am going to move early next year. i just need to make a decision as to where. i'm sure i will keep an ongoing commentary on the plans here. right now it's between:

• Seattle
• Boulder
• Chicago
• and CA somewhere

how the hell am i going to afford living any of these places? that really is the question. i know i can get a job, any job i want, i get if i had an interview.

so this is what's going on in my life right now. I am in a state of flux that seems to be stagnant at the same time. dichotomous or oxymoronic? yes. I want the change, i just seem to be getting more of the same. I need to figure out what it is that is in my way and handle it. i want to move forward, i want change. hell, i want someone who cares about me for me. i'm ready world. i want to be a grownup.

it's time for an attitude adjustment.

it's time for me to to let go of my fears.

it's time for me live.

it's time for me to be me....all the time.

to quote katy perry, "i think i'm ready for it."