disconnected

i've been feeling disconnected lately, in quite a few ways. disconnected from friends, myself, the world. kind of like i feel on flexiril. weird ideas seem to be thrust into my mind from nowhere. some of them could turn out to be really cool, like this kids book idea i came up with or this how too book idea i came up with for female drivers. i should really work on them.


it's really this disconnected feeling between me and my body that is bothering me the most. i've never felt this strange for this long since my car accident. is it my body remembering that this time last year i was really really out of it? which makes no sense since the worst time was in december and i was fine then.


i don't like feeling disconnected, not because i don't know what's going on but because i have no easy way of actually knowing and i know that i used to have that. i'm not sure if this will even make sense later. i suppose it's the knowing that there once was something but there currently is not would be another way to put it. it feels like i'm drifting without a tether. moving on the same general course to nowhere. which only makes me realize that that is how i am feeling in my life. drifting with no set course.


a ship without a captain - the rest of the crews there but there's no one steering
an playerless instrument - i've got everything needed to make the music but no one to play me
a map without a destination - there's courses to anywhere but no one has chosen where to go


what do i want to do?
how do i want people to know me?


i want a career, i don't want a job.
i want something i love to do.


i want to WANT to go to work in the morning.


i know i'm not the only person who feels this way. i hear about it from quite a few other people i know.


then there's the people who know exactly what they want and how to go about getting there.
was this something we learned on a day i missed? was i not paying attention that day?


how do you teach someone to figure out what they want to do with their life?
do some people just know? are there a lot people like me who haven't found yet what they want/love to do?


so many questions with so few answers.