nerves

it's just now hitting me that i am performing in a concert on tuesday, this tuesday. as in it's only 2 days away!!


it's been about two years since i performed in public and to be honest this makes me sad. i miss singing for an audience. this concert i'll be singing "santa baby." i know i'll never live up to eartha kitt's version of the song, she is the original every other person is compared to. i can only hope i am not found lacking.


i found an amazing dress to wear for the performance. it's black and gold with a halter neckline (one of the few styles that is perfect for me). the top is gold layered under black lace with beadwork and a few sequins, it plunges quite a bit so it's a little daring. this dress is alluring and sexy. i'll be able to wear it forever.....well as long as i stay in the shape i'm in! haha.


there's nothing like looking like a million bucks to help your confidence sky rocket. this performance should be a blast! apparently i am one of the only performers singing a fun song. this is rather like the concert where i sang "adelaid's lament" from guys and dolls.


what convinces people to sing songs that are dramatic (as in sad/angry) all the time is beyond me. i do know many of the classic pieces from the famous operas are this way, but really. you need to gain a following people. you need to entertain them first before you pull out the dramatic show pieces. unless you have the acting talent to go along with the singing voice you will bore people to tears.


good times, good times.


did i mention i am just a lil bit nervous?

projects

i've been toying with some ideas floating around in my head. i want to create  logo for something called "monday's child." right now it's nothing but a name that speaks to me.  there are a few t-shirt ideas that if they come to fruition are going to bear that name so i want a logo for it. these of course will be one of a kind items, it will be fun if people think they aren't though. so i'd love for them to be as professional as possible.

i'm going to use lyrics from some of my favorite bands. i have no doubt that they won't mind. though i should prolly check to make sure.

note to self: twitter bands and see if they are okay with my using it on my tee.

should be okay with it as long as i don't mass produce. what i have in mind is too much of a pain in the ass to do so! haha.

this will be my project tomorrow.

a dream

the other night i realized one of my dreams. i will live in jackson hole, wy at some point in the future. it is one of the most beautiful places i have ever been in my life. it as minutes away from the grand teton national park. the national forrest you drive through to get there took my breath away.


there is no way i will be able to afford to live there in the near future, so this is a dream for when i am more established and can earn a much higher salary. though i could most likely get a job there right now since i know a few people. but whether or not it would be a living wage for there would be the question.


the fact that i  realized i have this dream made me so happy. i thought i had put them all someplace hidden or forgotten. here's to hoping i realize more of my dreams so i have something to move forward too.


dreams, where would we be without them? living dull, colorless lives with no purpose.


life is....

i miss...

so there really are no good synonomous phrases for "i miss you" in a platonic sense. all the words i can find are along the lines of covet, desire, crave, brood, carry a torch, mourn, sigh.


yeah, i'm going to tell a good female friend "i covet you." she would laugh her ass off and it still wouldn't accurately portray what i am feeling.


why is it the english language does not have any good phrases or cliches that say "i haven't seen you in ages and i miss you" without you saying the tired phrase of "i miss you."


this should change.


also realized today that i seem to have a threshold for how long i jarringly miss someone. this seems to be around 3 weeks. i miss them a ton for that length of time and then it starts to fade. i miss them off and on for ever after that, but that yearn to spend time with them isn't constant or even what it was when they were around.  i wonder if everyone does that or if it's just me.


and my job gives my mind free reign to think of random crap like this.


i'm spending entirely too much time with myself. can i spend some time with you?

i don't get it

i posted the previous entry to facebook and a response i got made no sense to me at all.


a guy friend said:
The title of your blog (i titled it: I can't seem to sleep tonight) sounds exactly like an old Autumns chase song "Alone." I love the metaphor! ps. Dreams are never lost although sometimes they aren't as vivid as they once were!


uh-huh....what metaphor is he talking about? i am a literal person. i say what i mean, which is why i suck ass at poetry.


what the poem says where i can't remember my dreams, i mean i can't remember my dreams. i mean i don't remember ever wanting to do anything with my life, to be anything in particular, or be anywhere special. this makes me sad, as it did last year.


and yeah....when i sat and thought about it for a little while.....i figured out what he meant. i am a dumb ass...
"realization
life without meaning
a rock on a stream"


yep, a little slow on the uptake today.

dreams

i can't sleep tonight, which is why there are so many posts. there are all these thought swirling through my head. keeping me awake. i just need to get them out and maybe i can go to sleep.


i've been reading some things i wrote around this time last year. i've realized i am in a similar place, as a previous dream showed me, i am on a ferris wheel. reliving events forever working to be in a better place until i have learned what it is i need to have learned. an insight from my mother into said dream this morning.


"somewhere along the way i lost my dreams...i'd like to find my dreams again, if only for a little while. a life without dreams is no life at all"


"i've hidden away my dreams and forgotten where i put them. i can't think of the last time i let myself dream about what i want."


there's poetry in these musings of mine. i'm getting a little bit of it now.


somewhere
i lost my dreams
or put them away.


i've hidden them
threw away the key
or forgotten.


a realization
life without meaning
a rock in stream.


i'd like to find
my dreams again
if only for awhile.

my task

in my dream last night i was giving a couple three tasks that they would have to complete, a la fairy tale, to receive their "happily ever after." i gave them two rather silly tasks, i remember thinking, "name some obnoxious, fairy tale type tasks like separating barley, wheat and millet after earning the help of a fantastical creature." i said for the third, "your final task is to remove the doubt from your heart."  i knew if  if they were successful in completing the first two tasks the third would already have taken place. they would only have to realize this.

my dream self is smart it seems. i have only to wonder what the two tasks i am to undertake that will lead me to my "happily ever after." i don't believe i am at the doubt removal stage as i have wounds yet unhealed to my psyche and thorny defenses to keep people at bay.

"for your third task: remove the doubt from your heart."

i only hope i take notice and realize the gift i receive when this occurs.

thoughts

contact. i crave it. the touch of someone who cares about me. not sex. sex is great, the energy, excitement, electric. it's like only getting dessert when what you really want is somethign filling, substantial, a good foundation. sex is that final touch, the icing on the cake.


what i want right now, with all my heart, is someone who will take me as i am. to quote ingrid michaelson. who will hold me and make me feel cared for and safe. i really miss that. the just being with someone. profound conversations need not take place all the time. just being there with each other, sharing in the comfort of another heart beating, right there with you.


being in a relationship last year where i gave much of myself, realizing after the fact that i had loved, has only put me in a state of want. i want to be in a relationship, with the caveat that i only want it to be with someone i truly care about.


i don't give of my true self casually. my day to day self i will share with the world. i'm not one of those girls who has to be in a relationship, in an "us." i am my own person. i want my compliment, a partner, a play-fellow in my life. i don't believe i have found him yet. I'm still watching for him. i am creating myself right now. I'm sure he will make himself known.